Rules that Peaches and others must always obey
by MISCrasyaboutfanfics
Summary: Yes, I jumped on the other bandwagon and decided to do a rules fic. Dedicated to Tatyana Witwicky who inspired me and thanks to Transformers101 for letting me borrow her OC. This fic is now completed.
1. Chapter 1

Rules that Peaches and others must always obey

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, they belong to Hasbro. Shadow belongs to Transformers101 and I got permission to use her. I only own Peaches.

It's a crazy life being an Autobot in training who can turn into a human. So yeah, I've done some crazy stuff around base so Optimus Prime, Ironhide and Ratchet decided I and some other humans, 'bots and a certain vampire needed some rules. So, here's the list:

1. I am not allowed to randomly start singing "It's getting hot in here".

("It's getting hot in here (so hot), so take off all your clothes.."

(That song disturbs Galloway and Jolt.)

2. Jolt, please don't go streaking with anybody!

(I didn't even know we could take our armor off!)

3. Never, EVER piss of Shadow!

(This includes, no stealing her Cool Whip, no bringing up stereotypes about vampires, no saying that Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer would make a better girlfriend for Sideswipe, no coming between her and her blood or said Cool Whip, and don't complain because she likes yaoi.)

(Apparently Shadow did not like me saying that stuff about Drusilla, even for a joke.)

(Sideswipe had to talk her out of drinking my energon when she was pissed off.)

4. No one's allowed to randomly quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel episodes.

"Quick, to the Angel mobile, away!" (I said that when Ironhide decided to drive me to the shooting range to practice.) (Skids and Mudflap laughed at that.)

"Live every day like it's your last because tomorrow you might be dead." (I said this randomly in a meeting.) (Optimus agrees with that quote.) (Really wonder why…)

"The only Spanish words I know are 'Doritos' and 'Chihuahua'." (Xander is too damn funny and hot!) (The new recruits pointed out I was lying.)

"Music is notes! This is noise!" (Galloway said that about mine, Jazz's and Shadow's music.) (A good threat from our friendly neighborhood vampire scared him enough to not complain anymore.)

"I'm going to attack you now!" (I blurted this out one night at dinner when Skids and Mudflap started pissing me off.) (I actually did attack them.) (Ratchet wasn't too happy with me.)

5. What goes on behind closed doors stays there!

(I accidentally walked in on Shadow and Sideswipe doing something you wouldn't expect a vampire and alien robot to do together.)

(Little did I know that Skids and Mudflap were videotaping it for blackmail material just to see if Shadow would find out who it was once said tape started circulating around the base.)

(She blamed me.)

(I swear I had nothing to do with the videotaping!!)

(I had to get a lot of therapy.)

(Optimus confiscated and destroyed the tape.)

6. No one is allowed to give me Pepsi.

(I do crazy stuff every time I drink it.)

(That includes randomly quoting Buffy Summers and friends.)

7. Whenever Ratchet wants to do a checkup, don't shirk!

(He found me hiding in the closet.)

(I swear that was the longest 20 Earth minutes of my existence..)

8. No Lady Gaga songs!

(Everyone thinks she's annoying.)

(I agree, surprisingly enough…)

9. I am allowed to sing on karaoke night but no Miley Cyrus songs whenever Ironhide's in the room.

(For very obvious reasons.)

10. Yes, I am very well aware that Xander Harris is a fictional character.

(but I still think he's hot!)

Phew, what other crazy stuff happens on NEST base? I really, really don't want to know but I'll add to this list if Optimus Primes asks me to...

Author's note: Suggestions are welcome form anyone. So please send me some!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Shadow seems to agree with a lot of stuff on my list but didn't have any suggestions on what to add to it. I, Autobot Peaches, do have other ideas that need to be typed down as well as some from others:

11. No calling Optimus "legend leader butt" or singing Carrie Underwood's "Cowboy Casanova" around him.

(He finds the latter irritating and doesn't understand the former insult.)

12. Another big no-no is painting Ironhide a neon color.

(Even though he looked funny as hell painted neon green.)

(That wasn't me that did that; it was the Chevy twins!)

13. No singing "The song that never ends".

(It's annoying!)

(I don't know why someone wrote that.)

14. I am not allowed to teach any new femme recruits Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats".

("Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires...")

(No Autobot has come near me since I taught all the femmes already on base that song.)

15. Shadow has not fought Buffy Summers.

(For the thousandth time Skids, now stop asking!)

16. Red Alert is no longer allowed to watch horror films.

(You know what, someone's already written about that...)

17. When babysitting, watch the kids at all times!

(Apparently, Annabelle knew where to find the Pepsi.)

(She drank it all and tried to climb up the side of Teletran 1)

(Captain Lennox was very unhappy with me.)

18. I am not allowed to go out alone after dark.

(I nearly got raped by Soundwave; he had been drinking too much.)

(Shadow had to save me, thus she could not get a midnight snack, though she needed one.)

(Don't worry; she forgave me.)

("Peach, just don't get into that again!" was what she said to me when we got back to the base)

19. Always pay attention in meetings!

(I fell asleep)

(Chromia pushed me off my chair to wake me up.)

(I was very, very pissed off!)

20. Never, ever sing "Barbie Girl"

(Arcee pointed out that I have brown hair in my human form,not blonde)

(The other femmes don't get the song)

Author's note: Seriously, I don't have any more rule ideas for this right now. Please send some ASAP!!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Peaches, Diamond, Emerald and Ruby belong to me, Shadow belongs to Transformers101, and Transformers belongs to Hasbro.

Okay, Prowl wanted me to put some of the more "insanity inspired' rules in here. So, here they are:

21. Never, ever play the following games;

Cops and Robbers (Red Alert thought Sam and Miles were really trying to rob someone) (They were not Red, stop freaking out!)

Red Light, Green Light (Apparently, someone smashed into Barricade when playing it) (He was really pissed off) (He wouldn't go away until Shadow gave him a lot of high grade energon.)

American football (It's very hard to explaint the difference between that game and soccer.) (I'm very bad at sports, save for bowling)

22. Swearing contests against Skids and Mudflap to see who can come up with the worst insults are now banned for all eternity.

(Shadow heard them calling her "a blood sucking fragger".)

(She went after them and kicked their butts)

(Galloway was called "a big fat fragging motorheaded jerkish son of a glitch".)

(I said "Fuck you!" to Ironhide when he got me pissed off.)

23. Optimus is the leader but he won't save you everytime.

(I pranked Galloway, then hid in Prime's office for a few megacycles)

(The latter eventually found me and punished me.)

(I should just murder Galloway in his sleep-well I would if Optimus Prime didn't have a no harming humans rule)

24. Never call Ratchet "Hatchet" to his face

(The only reason he's called that is because he's got a very sharp aim when throwing wrenches)

(He did that to Epps when the latter asked when, if ever,has the medibot interfaced with Ironhide)

(I know for a fact that he hasn't...)

25. Don't call Ironhide a giant teddy bear.

(Diamond did this when someone accidentally gave her high grade)

(She's a sparkling for crying out loud,she's not supposed to have that!)

(He got ticked off, until Ratchet told him about the intoxication factor.)

(He forgave her and sent her to play with her little sisters)

26. Don't sick a bunch of dogs on Ironhide to piss on him.

(It was bad enough when Sam's dog did)

(I don't know of anyone in their right mind who would do it)

27. Stop calling me Peaches and Cream!

(It's very annoying and was only funny the first 2 times) (Skids, Mudflap, Jazz...)

28. Ruby is only allowed to watch Spongebob Squarepants if everyone else is out of the room.

(Ironhide is easily irrtated by the theme song.)

(So am I)

(Bumblebee won't stop playing the "Fun song" or whatever it is)

29. Sparklings are not allowed to have high grade!

(I already explained this)

30. When watching any vampire movie or television show, make sure if it's very stereotypical, that Shadow is not in the room.

(She didn't like that Emerald was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me)

("But Buffy's cool!" we both argued. "Not as cool as you though".)

(Shadow just shrugged and threatened to bite us if we quoted the series just to be annoying..)

Well, I've got to go watch the sparklings now; Arcee is going off to do that questions fic with Barricade and that one girl who tries to live up to her username...


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Once again, Shadow belongs to Transformers101, the other OCs belong to me, and the rest belong to Hasbro.

I have no idea how certain TV shows and holidays got to be banned for everyone except the humans, but here they are:

31. No Pokemon or Yu-gi-oh!

(I thought it would be fun to scream at Bumblebee "I choose you!")

(He really did not like that.)

(Epps and Lennox swear too much when playing Duel Monsters)

(So Diamond, Emerald and Ruby began saying those "choice words")

(Then everyone really hated me for introducing those things to the other Autobots)

32. Do not try to explain Christmas, Easter, Saint Patrick's Day, or Valentine's Day.

(Even Galloway got a valentine from Annabelle!)

(Skids and Mudflap wanted me to get drunk with them on Saint Patrick's Day)

(I really don't know how to explain the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause to my fellow Cybertronians)

33. No shooting off fireworks unless it's the Fourth of July and they're being shot off outside!!

(Apparently, Ironhide and Sideswipe thought there was a Decepticon attacking)

(There wasn't)

(I started laughing so hard I fell on my aft and nearly short circuited)

(Ratchet was very unhappy about that)

34. No Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

(Especially not the original cartoon)

(That theme song is very annoying)

(The Chevy twins and Bumblebee tried to copy some of the moves in a battle.)

(They failed miserably)

35. No buying a whole bunch of birds from the pet store and releasing them all over base!

(Way too many droppings to clean up)

(Ironhide shot a lot of them)

(Flareup, Chromia and Arcee were disgusted at the sight)

(I only did that because I was bored!)

(I had too clean up everything by myself)

36. No singing "Single Ladies" when I'm in the room!

(It was only funny the first time!)

(Bumblebee, Sam, Mikaela...)

37. Just because I learned a little bit about being a plumber from my human dad does not mean I'm qualified to help Sarah Lennox fix the showers on base!

(I accidentally turned the water on and sprayed myself)

(It took 10 minutes to find the shut off valve in the basement)

(When I transformed back into robot mode from my human mode, I got electrocuted really badly)

(Ratchet was not happy that he had to drain the water out of my system)

38. Never, ever say the following things randomly:

"Pizza!"

"Noodles!"

"Don't touch me!"

(I really hate people questioning my mental state)

39. Don't mention adult subjects around sparklings or human children!!!

(At all!)

(Diamond asked Shadow what a "disco stick" was)

(She didn't bother to answer)

(Annabelle asked me where Cybertronians come from a.k.a about reproduction)

(I told her to ask Ratchet)

(I don't know if he told her yet.)

40. Robot Chicken, Family guy and South Park are banned for eternity!

(Optimus Prime is not Jewish, he does not have a prostate and humans don't digest food backwards!!!)

(Ratchet was disgusted by the last thing)

(Need I say more?)

Author's note: I know these probably aren't very funny but they're what I could come up with.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Author's note: Thanks to Shizuka Taiyou for some suggestions for this chapter as well as some in the previous chapters (so sorry I nearly forgot to give you credit!).

Well, apparently Shadow is going to tell Diamond what a "disco stick" is, so the latter has to stop asking me at some point! Anyways, we have rules for the new recruits in this list as well as for everyone already on NEST base:

41. No illusions of places that look very real

(Hound...)

(He made a fake McDonald's, I tried to walk into it and found out I couldn't.)

(I'm very, very ticked off now...)

42. No leaving CDs on the floor to get scratched!

(And don't "we have iPads/iPods" me!)

(I like my CDs of Disney songs, thank you very much!!!)

43. We are no longer allowed to watch "Sex and the City".

(The sparklings kept walking in on us)

(Ruby asked if the title meant anything.)

(Thankfully, I turned the TV off before she could see anything else sparklings/children aren't allowed to see.)

44. No showing the 'bots Foamy the Squirrel on YouTube!

(They wouldn't tell me what it was about)

(I decided not to find out and agree with Prowl that it needed to be banned)

45. Coffee is for humans, not Cybertronians!

(I tried to mix some with my energon)

(I got a little out of it and started singing Miley Cyrus' "Let's Get Crazy" then the song "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah".)

(Ratchet just shook his head at me, as did everyone else)

46. No saying black cats are an omen of bad luck!

(Shadow and I let several of them into the base to scare Skids and Mudflap)

(We wound up scaring Red Alert instead)

(Optimus Prime made both of us roudn up the cats by ourselves)

47. No singing the McDonald's McNugget Rap!

(Need I say more?)

48. No watching R-rated movies when sparklings or children are in the same room as you!

(Emerald wanted to be as violent as the titular character in V for Vendetta)

(That disturbed everyone)

(I was surprised when she passed Ratchet's mentality test)

49. I am not allowed to play High School Musical songs over and over again to torture Decepticon prisoners.

(Soundwave really hates the song "You are the music in me")

(Starscream screeched at me very loudly to stop playing "I want it all")

(as well as to not play "Stick to the Status Quo")

(It was actually Shadow who came in and took my boombox and CDs away)

(To this day, I still don't know the combination for the lock)

50. Prowl, when looking at Annabelle's or Ruby's pictures that they drew with crayons, please don't complain when something is the "wrong color".

(They're allowed to imagine whatever the heck they want!)

(And please don't blame me when they make the grass yellow, the sky red, and the clouds purple!)

Author's note: I want to do more of my own suggestions in the coming chapters; I'm not saying don't send me any more if you do want to send some; just send 2 or 3 when you reveiw, please?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I don't know what is with Skids and Mudflap causing trouble all the time but the last thing they did put Peaches in the medbay. It was a fight between them and her if you have to know. I, Optimus Prime, have decided to make this new list of rules while our young Pretender recruit recovers.

51. No "CD", whatever that is.

(And no, I do not know what it is.)

52. No fake body parts, human or Cybertronian, that look very real.

(Emerald scared Red Alert with fake human organs, after hearing of the "black cats" incident)

(Yes, Shadow and Peaches got a punishment too)

53. To all humans, you are no longer allowed to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

(Red Alert needs a lot of time to learn that horror films will not happen in reality)

54. Prowl's gender does not need to be questioned.

(Yes, he is a mech through and through)

55. Peaches, do not ask who's bonded with who!

(Some were unwilling to "come out of the closet")

(Ask Shadow who I'm talking about if you aren't aware of who I'm referencing.)

56. Jazz can listen to his music as long as he has headphones in.

(Just don't turn them up too loud)

(Ratchet does not want to deal with what will happen if you do)

57. The song "Don't stop the music" does not mean you do not turn the music off.

(Peaches, Skids, Mudflap, Bumblebee and Jazz this especially applies to you!)

(Ratchet, Ironhide and Galloway find that song irritating)

58. No watching the human show Mythbusters.

(Wheeljack has tried to copy several of the experiments they have done, including the recent "bar fight" myth)

(Emerald hit her two sisters with full bottles of alcoholic drinks)

(Ruby got her optic scratched by a piece of broken glass and Diamond was the one who had to get Ratchet)

(Sparklings will imitate anything so everyone please behave!)

59. You are allowed to swear only, I repeat ONLY if you are not in my presence!

(Yes, Peaches, the Decepticons may be "motorheads" but I do not need to hear that or any other "choice words", human or Cybertronian)

60. No alcohol, tobacco or other addictive human or Cybertronian substances on NEST base!

(Ratchet was very unhappy when Captain Lennox and Master Seargant Epps got themselves drunk after the Superbowl to celebrate)

(I caught Peaches smoking a cigarrette in her human form)

(She claimed to have gotten it from Shadow, but that was entirely untrue)

(It was actually Galloway who gave her it)

(Skids and Mudflap, this means no more high grade energon for either of you!!!)

Peaches will be the one to add to the list if need be; I have to go and meet with the U.S. President via a video conference. Shadow, please get back soon...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Hello, I, Autobot Peaches am back to doing this rules fic. Thanks to Optimus for making the last list so now here's some more from me:

61. Please for the love of the Fallen's fish fillets, stop mistaking me for Elita!

(Yeah, she's orange in this universe too but as far as I know, she went and got a color change to avoid anyone calling her "Peaches")

(Wonder if she's been successful at joining NEST yet...)

62. Once again, no quoting Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

"I'm having a slight case of nudity here!" (Sam said that when he was finished with getting a checkup from Ratchet and could not find his clothes) (Turns out Skids and Mudflap managed to take them and hang them on the flagpole)

"Who died and made you Elvis?' (I said that to Shadow the first time she came back after meeting with other vampires) (I don't think she got the joke..)

"Wow, that was really funny looking! Can you do it again?" (Sam said that when Shadow started eating container after container of CoolWhip.) (I had to convince her not to bite him.)

"Okay, let's not say something we'll all regreat later, okay?" (Mikaela reminded Sam not to mess with Shadow when she said that.) (That's great advice that everyone on base should take...)

"The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff-oh never mind." (Ratchet banned me from eating candy after I said that for a joke and made me take another mentality test.) (No Wheeljack, you may not make candy that makes adults act like teenagers!!) (Although I wonder what Galloway was like at that age...)

63. It is not a good idea to ask Shadow if she's ever gotten fat from drinking the blood of obese people.

(So do not ask her again, Leo!)

(No Shadow, you're not fat and I'm not saying you are.)

(Can vampires even gain weight?)

64. This is for the humans; whatever you do, do not inhale helium of sulfur hexaflouride(?) (Note: I don't know if I got the name right.)

(The very high pitched and very deep voices scare me.)

(Ratchet keeps a very close optic on us when we handle those things)

65. Wheeljack, I have to remind you; the Mythbusters say to not try what they do at home for obvious reasons!

(Especially since you tried to build your own sawdust cannon to shoot a fireball)

(Then set your lab on fire)

66. Never, ever start a conversation with Bluestreak or Blurr, unless you're 100 percent sure you might be able to finish it.

(Wtih the former, it's hard to tell him to stop)

(It's very hard to understand the latter since he talks so fast)

(If you do manage to finish a conversation with one of them Shadow, please let me know!)

67. Do not piss off or pull pranks on Galloway.

(That's going to strain any hope of human Autobot relations)

(Skids, Mudflap, me...)

68. My fellow Cybertronians, here's some good advice; For the love of the Allspark, please do not tell any new humans on NEST base the real power of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

(The only thing the humans are allowed to know is that it's Optimus Prime's symbol of being our leader.)

(Don't want another incident similar to the one in Egypt, according to a very irritated Ironhide)

(Can't blame him since Chromia nearly lost her life...)

69. No one is allowed to sing or play the song "The Math" by Hilary Duff.

(Yes the lyrics make it seem like it's about math itself in the refrain)

("If you can't do the math, then get out of the equation...")

(It's a very confusing song)

70. Leave Shadow alone when she's pissed off.

(This rule applies to everyone.)

(but especially Skids, Mudflap, Epps, Lennox and Galloway.)

(They tend to make her even more ticked off...)

Not sure how I'm going to deal with myself until you get back Shadow; I started eating your CoolWhip and I don't know how much you took with you...better go hide now....


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Ratchcet told me to stop eating your CoolWhip, Shadow; he's changed the lock for the safe you keep it in. Thankfully, I have found other foods to eat in my human form that are just as good.

71. No waking Optimus up early in the morning.

(He's not a morning person, er,robot)

72. Never bother Prowl!

(Only Shadow, Bluestreak and Jazz have been able to.)

(He doesn't see the point of bothering anyone.)

73. No paintball wars!

(It took Ratchet six hours to clean the paint off of Optimus)

(Then another 6 to clean up Skids and Mudflap.)

74. Never explain Kids Next Door!

(Annabelle wanted to be like them)

(Wheeljack was more than happy to copy the inventions from the show)

(Despite the fact that Optimus said not to)

(Said inventions failed miserably)

75. No copying things that are seen on TV shows!

(After the KND incident, Annabelle was banned from watching cartoons while on base)

(I wondered if Shadow had ever copied moves from anime)

(Haven't found out the answer yet)

(I tried to copy moves the Powerpuff Girls tend to do, with more injury to me than to Barricade)

(Ratchet was very, very unhappy with me, and more so when Wheeljack tried to make his own Chemical X to give me those powers)

(Need I say more?)

76. No forcing Red Alert to watch the Kids Next Door episodes with the vampire that's addicted to spanking kids.

(Red Alert kept Diamond, Emerald, and Ruby away from Shadow for a very long time)

(She shouted to him "It's just a cartoon! I won't just hit people!")

(I hope Red learned his lesson...)

77. No watching the Animaniacs episode where Yakko, Wakko and Dot get abducted by aliens and encounter one that looks like a giant toe.

(Ratchet was worried about us when he heard the last of the four say "In a million years, you'll look like me.")

(I had to assure our medic that it was not true.)

(Thankfully, he believed me but banned Animaniacs for good)

78. No letting sparklings get into stuff!

(Ruby threw a lot of toilet paper all over the floor and tried to make a "snowman")

(It was a lot to clean up...)

("Emerald dared me to!")

79. Never, ever put hair dye in anyone's shampoo just to see their hair change colors and the looks on their faces.

(Epps freaked out when his hair turned blond)

(Lennox's hair was purple)

(Galloway had bright blue hair)

(Shadow's hair was a very ugly shade of green)

(The Twins were laughing their afts off at her)

(Shade of red that was on the vampire's face when she glared at Leo and I after finding out we did that?)

(An even uglier shade!)

(But General Morshower's hair? The ugliest since it was rainbow colored)

(Do not ask how Leo managed to do that...)

80. Replacing shaving cream with whipped cream and vice versa is also not allowed!

(Shadow screamed at Skids and Mudflap when she found out they replaced her CoolWhip with shaving cream)

(The latter substance happened to be Galloway's!)

(He was really, really ticked off and yelled at Optimus for "not keeping better control over your troops!')

Well, my friends, this is it. There will be no more rules in this fic but maybe in a separate one...I, Autobot Peaches, now have to report to the shooting range to get more weapons training from Ironhide and Chromia...


End file.
